There is a wonderful saying” Wherever I go, there I am.” It implies that whatever it is that I need to work out is within me and not dependent upon my circumstances. This has never been more true or evident for me than here in Morocco.
My time and experiences in Chefchaouen ignited the next phase of my evolution that continues a month after my return to Aouchtam.
With no job to go to, no cat to care for, no books to read, no car to drive around and very little internet connection — it was time to face myself.
Sometimes this process feels like boredom; at other times it feels more like fear, confusion, depression. It is not comfortable and it seems to follow me wherever I go, so I cannot avoid it or deny it for any length of time.
My mind wants to look “outside” for some explanation – there must be something wrong; perhaps you are ill and need to seek professional help; you need to get out more and interact with people, etc., etc., etc.
I reached out to some of you during the early stages of this cycle, because simultaneously, the “community” that I had come to be part of was going through its own version of this clarifying process and I felt I needed some “outside” assistance. In fact, only a few days after I returned from Chefchaouen, most of the group that was occupying the Sanctuary left for Chefchaouen and stayed there for a whole week, taking some much-needed space and reviewing their own goals with regard to community life in Aouchtam.
So there was much movement all around me as I began my personal questioning of “Why are you here?” All the reasons that had brought me to Morocco no longer seemed relevant to my staying in Morocco. But where could I go that things would be any better, or even different?
Tomas and I were each going through our own versions of this process without speaking about it much to each other, until about 10 days ago, when we had our first real dialogue about what had been going on within ourselves for the past couple of weeks.
It was this conversation that helped us realize that we had brought ourselves to a place where our lives were simplified to such an extent (those activities that had filled up our lives in the US were lessened, if not removed altogether) that the inner workings of our minds, our cravings for experiences and “forms” were finally showing themselves for what they really are – ILLUSIONS.
This understanding should have been great news for a self-proclaimed “spiritual seeker” like me but the fact was that it brought me only mild “comfort.” My nervous system continued to be submerged in a heaviness that felt somewhat like being under the surface in a pool of murky water. No great insights or relief appeared to be happening, although I did feel a certain relief at having exposed my mind’s psychological mechanisms.
The day dragged on; we ate dinner and watched a movie. I went to bed fairly early and slept well. The next morning it seemed to require all my will power to get out of bed at 8 o’clock. But as I moved into the morning, I felt that a “shift” had occurred within me. Overnight, I had integrated something that I had gained from “being with” the discomfort of the day before. I was more at peace; I felt more energy flowing and more contentment about just BEING here in this beautiful place with fewer distractions than I had in my former life situation.
I have no idea where this process is taking me. I trust that it is taking me somewhere benevolent and perfect for ME. I thought back to the intensely active lives of my mother and grandmother – working incessantly from dawn until after dark. And from what I had heard from my grandmother about HER mother’s life, it had been even more filled with duties starting BEFORE dawn. There was no time for reflection; people prayed on their feet, while DOING. (Nothing wrong with that, just saying that most of my ancestors were either awake and doing or asleep, recovering from their doing.)
I acknowledged how far at least a small portion of humanity has come in only four generations; there is now space and time for average humans to stop and inquire within. I have created the life circumstances that permit me to dive below the surface of my “normal” human existence and follow the current upstream toward its Source.
This is not a comfortable process – it goes against all societal conditioning and may even be considered “dangerous” by some very well-meaning people. However, for me, it is the path I chose early in this life; the path I resumed 10 years ago when I met Tomas. Now, it beckons me forward toward an unexplored (by me) frontier. I am about to “cross the plains” of my own BEING and just like my pioneering ancestors, there are no guarantees about what I will find.
I repeat: this is NOT a comfortable process. However, I choose to continue “inquiring within” while keeping the “distractions” to a minimum. Even if it means I’ll need to “be with” boredom, confusion, depression or fear, until the pond water settles and I can see clearly where my next step will take me.
June 20, 2014: As a result of the experience described above, Tomas and I began meditating again two or three times a day, as we had at times in Gold Beach. We immediately felt the stabilizing and clarifying effects of this action. I knew before leaving the USA that part of what I would be doing in Morocco would be “energy work.” In my opinion there is no better way to do energy work than to sit in silence with the intention to be of service to the Whole
Here is a two-minute excerpt from Eckhart Tolle — “Being Fully Present”
HAPPY SOLSTICE EVERYONE